Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

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I thought the V.P. Debate would be fascinating. I mean, the perpetually disgruntled Cheney, who rules the world from a secret underground lair vs. Edwards, former trial lawyer and guy smiley? I was just waiting for Edwards to be buried alive. But in turns out that the debate is so unremittingly mind-numbing that I’m just listening to it in the background as I talk to you. So. We need to change the entry from last night: 4 clonzapems should become 9. I woke up at 8. and then 9:30, and realized it was too late for me to get to philosophy class on time (this was my fifth similar occurrence). Woke up again at 12 and decided to fuck macroeconomics. I felt….so….shitty. like, that feeling. So naturally I paid a visit to a little steroid-ridden, borderline exercise-bulimic angel (my dealer who is disturbingly ripped) who gave me quite the blessing. It’s true!: as I was scraping through my carpet, looking through my bathroom, and frantically searching my underwear drawer for scraps of weed or leftover joints, I prayed to god that I could somehow get something, b/c I didn’t have ANYTHING. And then my dealer called, so I guess it must be true. God must exist. (And…scene!)

"We must submit to this fatigue, in order to live at ease ever after."

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My present disposition is most conducive to a “free association” entry. Deal with it.
*so. according to the grapevine i am utterly incapable of understanding anything that the nuclear guy says. French and fucking philosophy are my only hopes. the other 2?…don’t like them so much.
*dad has been in upstate NY for almost 5 days now, and my mom is seriously starting to suffocate me. i, as is customary these days, don’t know what the fuck i’m getting at here, so let’s just drop it.
*it appears that nothing can sedate me these days. I just took 4 clonzapems and a trazadone, and am going to smoke the not-even-morsel of weed I have left. i wish i could fall asleep and wake up in a couple years and have things not be so shitty. on second thought, that totally wouldn’t work. duh, I’d be a vegetable….wait….
*actually went out on saturday with cheeto-shark and some other guy (Kerry campaign party/law school person); i basically sat on a velvet booth in the back of the private party room, chain-smoking and talking with my friend about our premonitions of having a nervous breakdown and killing ourselves sometime in the probably-not-very-near-future. but hey, at least I showed my face in public when I didn’t necessarily have to.
*Freud/Sociology books fascinating; however, haven’t much time to read them.
*missed (or “purposely didn’t go to”; whichever one, since they’re completely interchangeable in my mind) my follow-up appointment this morning b/c I had a French test and the “operation carte blanche” “group project” due today, and i wasn’t exactly trying to get another NI (“needs improvement”) and have my self-esteem decrease exponentially, although that’s probably what I got. fucker. i did so much worthless research on that shit and wasted so much “time”—i really have no idea what’s going on, and that feeling is intensely disconcerting and alarming. getting back to the point, I don’t know if I’ll reschedule. actually, i do know that i won’t reschedule (lab work from “last Friday” and pretty much my entire life can provide cold, hard, irrefutable evidence for the aforementioned belief) i’m such a negligent bastard.
*so i didn’t get fired, but i didn’t exactly quit. i don’t know anything, except that i must look so sketchy—not like i give a rat’s ass, but still. i was kind of trying to avoid any sort of bizarre departure, shrouded in mystery; i thought i might actually leave this job in a legitimate manner…but wouldn’t that basically contradict the entire core of my soul when it comes to my philosophy on bullshit waitressing jobs? oh, P.S. and by the way—I’m not coming back. EVER.
*thought about it on the metro today. just a transient thought. but i suppose that’s how the thoughts establish themselves in your brain, and eventually become manifest (i seriously need to cut back on enunciation of that word; it’s getting old, but it’s undeniably a most excellent word.) once the idea is ingratiated into your consciousness, everything changes. “en puis”, i suppose the “downward spiral” (whatever that is) occurs, you plan your actions, and then, in due course, just indifferently and unceremoniously (for me at least) do it. and that’s that.
* "realization of a humane world”?!?! splendid idea (and splendid “catch phrase” façade for my pensive melancholy and sanguine disposition regarding my extinction; I don’t think she’ll notice it was a front. She hasn’t seen me lately) but perhaps i should just keep the possible payback of that notion in the back of my mind. it might “save” me—i could really see myself getting into that concept, and consequently getting OUT OF the morbid reality which I have so intentionally and yet so inadvertently manufactured for myself over the years.
*starting to get drowsy, which means I’ll be asleep in 7 hours, but I’ll conclude with an idiosyncratically delightful excerpt i found in my French book: “Claudine a l’air triste et déprimée. Elle est isolée à l’école et ne sort jamais avec des amis. Elle a du mal à sourire ou à s’amuser.” Pauvre Claudine.

Political psychology. Definitely.

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*Denial—disavowal of the truth; an attempt to disavow the existence of unpleasant reality.

*I totally have a crucial eating disorder that doesn’t seem like it’s going to cease to exist any time soon, considering my rap sheet. I also seem to be inconsolably depressed. Let’s do a quick, skeletal examination of my most fundamental dysfunctions:

Physicians’ Desk Reference, p.943
CLINICAL PHARMACOLOGY—the antidepressant and anti-obsessive-compulsive action of Prozac is presumed to be linked to its inhibition of CNS neuronal uptake of seratonin.
DEPRESSION—the efficacy of Prozac for the treatment of patients with depression (>18 years of age) has been studied in 5- and 6-week placebo-controlled trials. Prozac was shown to be significantly more effective than placebo as measured by the Hamilton Depression Rating Scale (HAM-D).
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER—Prozac is indicated for the treatment of obsessions and compulsions in patients with OCD, as defined in the DSM-III-R; i.e., the obsessions or compulsions cause marked distress, are time-consuming, or significantly interfere with social or occupational functioning.
(as if that wasn’t enough…)
OCD is characterized by recurrent and persistent ideas, thoughts, impulses, or images (obsessions) that are ego-dystonic and/or repetitive, purposeful, and intentional behaviors (compulsions) that are recognized by the person as excessive and unreasonable.
PRECAUTIONS: anxiety and insomnia, altered appetite and weight, activation of mania/Hypomania, use in patients with concomitant illness, interference with cognitive and motor performance
ADVERSE REACTIONS: depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, body as a whole (seriously. that’s what it says. all three of those), digestive system, musculoskeletal system, nervous system, respiratory system, skin and appendages, special senses
Textbook of Medical-Surgical Nursing, p.154
THE ANORIXIC PATIENT—The nutritional state of an individual with normal digestive and metabolic function is determined by the quality and quantity of the food he eats, and, assuming that an adequate diet is accessible, his food intake is controlled principally by his appetite. The magnitude and the stability of the appetite are subject to a variety of influences, emotional and well as physiologic. Baiscally, it reflects the intensity of hunger sensations and the frequency with which they occur, but the interpretation of these senses by each individual, and the response which they evoke, are conditioned from the time of infancy (read “from the time of infancy” a 2-3 times, for desired effect) by a great many factors. In healthy and emotionally adjusted persons it corresponds fairly closely to the nutritional requirements of the body: otherwise, there is no such correspondence, and, as a result, the food intake may be inadequate, excessive or irregular and the food selection poor.
Hunger sensations originate in the stomach wall, simulated by the slow, powerful muscular contractions of that organ, which start as soon as it is empty of its contents and continue intermittently until more food is introduced at the next meal. These contractions are inhibited, and the appetite correspondingly diminished, in the course of most illnesses, particularly during the active stages of infection and in almost all disorders which involve the digestive organs. Moreover, there are inhibitory influences which are entirely independent of the presence or the absence of organic disease, including unfavorable psychological responses, emotional disturbances, such as fear and anxiety, and all types of physical discomfort. Abnormal stimulation of the appetite, on the other hand, is commonly associated with the individual whose excessive hunger, or “bulimia.” Reflects a state of chronic anxiety and frustration, release of their emotional tension being afforded, via some psychological reflex mechanism, by the ingestion of food.
Table 6—Desirable Weights for Men and Women (according to height & frame. Ages 25 and over.)
Women, height in shoes: 6’0”—Small Frame: 138-148, Medium Frame: 144-159, Large Frame: 153-173